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  • Writer's pictureSpellbinding Sherry

Ditch the pity, if you want to be supportive

When I recently wrote about the celebrations of the dead being a wise idea, for most, a friend in mourning commented. She agreed that she felt interested in hosting a gathering, but was hesitant, though it had been months since her loved one had died. First off, there is no timeline on one's ability to honor the dead and to lending support the living. So there's that. Further, her concern was relative to pity which she expects attendees to inevitably bring. She anticipates their queries, “how’d they die?" and "what happened?” She loathes her own responses. The official, reply society seeks is only met with, “we don’t really know,” but this is too wide a chasm for polite conversation, as it leaves folks reeling on the edge. The death of her dear one is still under investigation. Legally, there are few answers. Remember though, I am a medium, so, via my channeling, she has spoken to the one she loves who is now beyond flesh. We actually do know how things went, when it all went down, because the dead one has shared the story with her. Nonetheless, stating this to the authorities or friends still feels awkward, at best. She and her family want to honor their dead. They could use the support and compassionate love. They’ve been in this loop of mourning, seemingly in a vacuum, for months. I suggest they do host a memorial gathering. With an officiant who clearly states that healthy mourning is supported with the stories of how a person lived, rather than tearing open how they moved along beyond flesh, things can be different. With stories which reflect on the life of the person, rather than their last moments within their bodies, there is so much more to discuss, so many things to learn. Every individual has a unique relationship with each other individual. We may all agree that someone is wonderful, but we then all have examples from our own interactions with the person. These are what I like to encourage and explore. I want to share the stories, myself, if I have them. I want to listen to the stories which others share, too. I want to hear from the childhood friend, from the teenage pal, from the band mate, the family, their coach, and teacher, their student and others. Through their shared stories I come to weave a greater understanding of how the person lived. Even if I knew them well, there are usually some gems which shine anew; blessings, all. Respecting the dead with a gathering, for me, is about celebrating a life and supporting those who are left to do so. It has little room for tearing into intimacies which are not ours to share such as, “what happened?” That’s nosy and can also be,

straight-up, disrespectful. (And to be fair, as time goes on, some of those curiosities may be satiated, eventually. Just, not right away.) Regardless of one’s faith, or lack thereof, eventually, death will visit our loved ones. Death will reroute plans. This is one of the most absolute unifications that we all have in common. Without regard for mindset, physicality, skintone, eyecolor, social or economic status, age, creed, or lack thereof, we too will die. Surely, this is not news. I imagine, most of us would rather be remembered for something other than the emotional wounds which often open in our loved one’s hearts when we make our way onward. I’d rather be recalled, if at all, for the way I love, the way I dance, the way I touch, the way I paint, or the way I write. I’d rather be remembered for nourishing souls, for swimming naked through the phosphorescence of the late-night gulf, for singing on key with a natural harmony, for having my hands in the dirt, for my voracious reading, for being a decent human. I’d rather be remembered for the good I did. Unless I die mid-orgasm or in the middle of some other beautiful doings, I think, perhaps, I’d rather folks share some thoughts about my life. (I mean, if I do die during an orgasm, go ahead and share, perhaps everyone might applaud.) With this in mind, I encourage those who are on the fence about hosting a gathering to celebrate their loved one’s life, and to hire me to guide them, if they need help. With encouraging directives we can embrace and inspire healthier mourning for all of us. Hail the soul travelers, but have respectful honor for the tender-hearted living, too. Host the gatherings, if you have reason to do so. Attend the same, when called. Bring the stories illustrating how the person lived and share them with others. Lift up the living by absolutely honoring and celebrating the dead. Let's do this together. If you need an officiant to guide you through this sort of gathering to honor your dead, please reach out at

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